Yes, I said, “I do FORGIVE you”!! But when I sat and looked back a question cropped up “did I really forgive”. Well for all practical purposes it seems like I did but internally the anger was still there. It didn’t extinguish, it didn’t die, it didn’t make me feel light it just didn’t make me look at you differently. I was angry and, yet I said, “I Forgive”. Oh, what a lie I had lived through with so many relationships – with family to close relationships and friendships.
While growing up I always wondered (amongst other things) what is forgiveness? As it seemed that the exchange of this word seemed to happen a lot between adults – spouse, neighbors, relatives etc. I also heard them say occasionally, “when you forgive, you become taller and wiser”. This statement made me smile and at times I laughed as I would think wouldn’t it be wise to buy a pair of high heel or stilettoes to do the job of becoming tall. I did understand that this was no ordinary word it had some power or magic to make things right.
When I entered adulthood the state of wonderment continued as a new layer was added, which was that ‘what must I feel when I forgive someone? Is there a chemical reaction that happens? If yes, then what would that make me feel? Will there be some sonnet being played in the background? Really, what is this forgiveness that everyone wants to give and receive. In some customs when people embark on a pilgrimage they call close relatives to say, “please forgive me, if I have done you wrong”. I can’t help but to think if it was wrong then why did you do it to begin with.
In relationship’s too I have gone through this phrase ‘please forgive me’ and I was then expected to snap out of the situation. This expectation of behavioral change was also something I could not fathom and had difficulty in responding. It’s not that I haven’t said sorry but there too when the person said I forgive you, I would still not be at ease as mustn’t I rejoice then why are we getting into the same argument or similar discussion causing disharmony. What is wrong with me? If I am ok and I regret my behavior, then why am I repeating the same. Also, when asking why do I not feel the pain for my action why can’t I understand the pain caused to my friend/partner. It’s not that saying sorry or being apologetic is difficult but the fact that the situation is repeating either I am asking or the opposite person asking for forgiveness continues.
Recently, I received a message asking for forgiveness ‘for all that was done’. So, in my phase of zero tolerance and low sense of humor at that moment, I asked please jot down things that for which forgiveness has been asked for. I haven’t heard from that person yet. May arrive in ‘Divine’ timing, I guess.
My take on this word or phrase ‘I forgive you or Please Forgive me’ is that it’s done at a cognitive level with a desired expectation that the hurt/pain/discomfort will no longer exist. It’s more like an existential requirement that must be fulfilled, however hollow and temporary it is. Have seen and experienced that soon a new situation will present itself giving rise to the same feeling and another someone sitting or standing or over the phone will be asking for your forgiveness. I now know that if I need to feel better and ok about things in my external universe my internal universe must be at ease and calm. I can’t teach math to a buffalo and, so I can’t distribute forgiveness and be under false pretext that life is good and I will never be made to feel rejected, abandoned or betrayed.
In my view forgiveness is personal. It is not something that can be given or received at a drop of a hat. It is all about me and this precious word is about ‘me forgiving myself’. It is me in my completeness taking responsibility of the situation and telling myself I am sorry, please forgive me. It is me and me alone deciding the way forward for myself. It is me looking into my eyes and saying that I love you and I am sorry. This word has the power to heal me. It takes time to reach to forgiveness work, but nothing in self-healing is overnight anyways.
When you go through different stages of healing self-forgiveness arrives too. When that phase comes you will see that layers are getting lifted for your attention and forgiveness. Be patient if you have reached this far the same universe will take you through this too. How would you know that the self-forgiveness has worked or is working? My yardstick has been to check if the forgiving situations have reduced or not? Am I feeling lighter? If the situations have reduced and you feeling lighter than be sure you on the right path.
Few suggestions 1. Be kind to yourself we are all here to find a solution to an unknown problem and we are all here to heal ourselves 2. In Jin Shin Jyutsu (JSJ) there is something known as Safety Energy Lock (SEL), without going into the details of this I am taking you to a hold that helps in self-forgiveness i.e. SEL 13. Keep both your hands flat on the upper chest with the elbows pointing outward. You can Google to see the image and read for further understanding. 3. Do mirror work – say to yourself looking into your eyes ‘Please forgive me’ and ‘I love you’ 4. Do tapping on and around forgiveness preferable with a practitioner if you are new to the practice of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
If you are unable to do anything of the above-mentioned suggestions or relate to what has been written, that’s fantastic too. Bookmark this page as you are atleast in the knowing and when you ready to work on your healing you know where to visit.
Love & Light
